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I Have To Fake Taking A Shit Just To Get Some Privacy
Privacy is a precious thing that single guys take for granted. Never in my life did I ever imagine a day where I’d have to fake taking a shit just to get 15 minutes of privacy.
Since moving in together with my girlfriend, my days are now filled with shoulder-to-shoulder privacy breaches and unauthorized roll calls of my name asking what I’m doing. Do you want to know what I’m doing? I’m growing a bigger ball spot in my head because your vocal tracking device keeps beeping.
Sometimes I just want to do me without feeling like I’m sitting in the first 48 interrogation room with you looking through the two-way mirror. Having to look over my shoulder all the time was starting to give me the Beale Street blues.
Other than hopping in my truck and leaving the house, I had to figure out a strategy and place at home where I could go that I knew she wouldn’t follow me. The only logical place that I knew was the bathroom. For some strange reason, shit and piss didn’t spark her interest.
Anywhere else I hid on the property she would be there on my ass like a bloodhound searching for Andy from Shawshank. I knew I had to quickly enroll in bubble guts university and major in acting to get that sought-out privacy degree.
